Motherhood is joy, but also grief. Cancer taught me how to live with both

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In many ways, IVF had prepared me for cancer treatment - the tests, the procedures and the loss of control

Farrah Khan and Kristyn Wong-Tam have a son, now 4, thanks to in vitro fertilization. A frozen supply of embryos could have given him a sibling, but a cancer diagnosis threw a wrench in those plans.The e-mail landed in my inbox, sounding off an internal alarm.My spouse and I sat at a crossroads.

It is a joy and privilege to be a mother, and an act of hope to make a family. It is also a daily practice of letting go of expectations – from career goals to birthing plans to ideas of what parenting will look like . To decide to become a mother is to navigate the ache of comparison, the sorrow of missed opportunities. Since having my son, I’ve learned an uncomfortable, universal truth: Motherhood is joy, but it is also grief.

When potential parents decide to freeze their eggs, what does that involve? Why is the process so increasingly popular, and why are some experts sounding notes of caution about that? Alison Motluk, writer of the newsletter Hey Reprotech, explains the basics.As soon as my spouse and I publicly announced our pregnancy five years ago, this question emerged many times over, alongside a flood of inquiries characterized by curiosity and judgment.

Her curiosity stemmed from a place of genuine interest, she confessed. She admitted she’d never encountered a pregnant queer person before. She didn’t know my history of being asked repeatedly, and I didn’t realize how small her world was.Though queer families have gained more rights and visibility over the generations, there is still much that the public misunderstands about them.

Such systemic discrimination contributes to heightened stress and anxiety among LGBTQ+ communities, indirectly affecting their fertility and overall well-being. The fear of raising children in an environment that may not fully accept their family leads some to postpone or altogether abandon their dreams of parenthood. My spouse and I were extremely worried about sending our son to school.

The question has been asked throughout my cancer treatment. At each MRI, CT scan or radiation session, I hear it like a screech, reminding me of what I never will be again. It’s emotionally draining, constantly stirring up sadness.

 

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