A Health-Care Plan for Twenty-Six-Year-Olds Being Kicked Off Their Parents’ Insurance

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In newyorkerhumor, a plan for that covers a weighted blanket, but absolutely no dental care.

Our plan also includes a forty-per-cent co-insurance on premium subscriptions for mindfulness and meditation apps. cover: any purchases related to “hot-girl summer” ; adoption fees for emotional-support animals other than dogs or cats; and Netflix subscriptions .

Additionally, we do not offer dental. Not because we think dental care is unimportant but because we know thatFor subscribers undergoing IUD insertion or removal, we cover maximum-strength doses of the sedative that prisons use before administering lethal injections. Owing to increased restrictions on the sale of Schedule IV anxiety medications, we now exclusively contract with negligent psychiatrists who are trigger-happy with the prescription pad and know all the legal work-arounds. You’ve tried journaling and mantras and weighted blankets, but ultimately Xanax is the only effective weapon against your post-Roe, pre-apocalypse onset of existential despair.

If you want a weighted blanket, though, we’ll cover it. Maybe it’ll work on your pets, who have all developed secondhand anxiety. The above benefits expire on your thirtieth birthday, and will be replaced by partial coverage of the following products and services: paleo-meal kits, non-furniture, prenatal care, postnatal care, post-postnatal care , collagen cream, and therapy. That last one carries over—therapy is forever. ♦Movie dialogue that nobody has ever actually

 

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