As a first-generation Asian American, I didn’t fully understand until adulthood that being able to openly discuss my mental health is a privilege.
Perhaps thanks to both nurture and epigenetics, anxiety has been my baseline for normal as long as I can remember. As a child, I would stay awake at night regretting that I’d circled the wrong answer on a test ― an answer that I’d immediately looked up after turning in my paper ― or unsettled that my crayons, which I organized by the colors of the rainbow , were out of order. As an adult, my anxiety often led me to overthink every single interaction I had with just about everyone.
I felt embarrassed. In retrospect, I realize that while I know plenty about white co-workers and white influencers on social media going to therapy and the latest advice their therapist gave them, I can’t say the same about BIPOC I know. Only a couple of my closest friends have ever confided in me about going to therapy, and I know they aren’t bringing it up across the conference room at work. At the time, therapy did not feel like something that was geared toward someone like me.
I then visited a primary care doctor near my Harlem apartment, hoping to discuss solutions or get a referral. Instead, he looked me up and down and said, “Maybe it’s your weight that’s giving you anxiety. Asian girls are usually more petite, no? I think your focus should be on weight loss first to see if that helps.
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