Sources confirmed that the stone arena was filled to capacity for the highly anticipated spectacle, with over 90,000 officials attending from providers as far away as WellPoint, Kaiser Permanente, and HCSC to see if the patient could survive an intense, brutal struggle with the advanced stage III illness.
According to reports, the policyholder, who was equipped with limited resources of his own during the fight, immediately faced the punishing and grave challenge of successfully submitting claims for a preliminary consultation with an out-of-network oncologist.
“C’mon, kill him already!” added a screaming Murray, turning his attention back to the fight. “Finish that worthless scum!”Experts confirmed that such cancer battles—along with kidney disease battles and lengthier diabetes battles—have been held in the coliseum since its completion in the early 1960s, and have remained a popular form of entertainment among American health insurance executives ever since.
I'm beginning to believe Health Insurance is either a gladiator -type brawl to the death or satanic -cult bent on murdering decent folk for dark, freaky blood rituals. But don't think too hard because at HolidayHospice (my book, cheap on Amazon) it's both!
ogcancerpatient If only they were rooting for him and not the cancer
HumanForHumans2 Future healthcare payment negotiations…
Obligatory 'so The Onion is just reporting actual news now?' comment. 😂
UHC
Fave rhing insurance companies pull: Did you try hydrocortisone cream first (you know, instead of just using what works to help)
Wish this was fiction.
GGnotGIGI713 Isn't that Sinema in the back!
You do realize this is exactly how people outside the US view American healthcare, right?
Oof…
souren642
Another outrageous example of the evils of Obamacare!
Don’t get sick then it won’t be a problem duh
😂🤣😭😵
This is too real, Onion
محمد قاسم کے خوابوں کے سچ ہونے کی پہلی علامت یہ ہے کہ دشمن دہشت گردی کی سرگرمیوں میں اضافہ کریں گے اور پاکستان کو اندرونی طور پر کمزور کریں گے۔ Muhammad Qasim Dreams -مزید معلومات پر
Area Girl Volunteers As Tribute To Pay For Younger Sister's Cancer Treatment
Area Health Executive Puts Down Champagne Glass To Remind Patient That Only Those Who Believe In Themselves Deserve To Live
The editing kinda sucks ngl but still funny
damn lmfao💀
libbyliberalnyc Fantastic! Great imagination & great depiction of the reality of our 'Death Care' system.
Not a great show, the patient just laid there.
And the Health Insurance companies will charge admission.
Wait til they begin to toss the plastic red roses..it always gets me.
And the fact that they’re tubed, but there’s no ventilator...
LostDiva death panels. think that shit is not real?!?
GGG_says he should've used his GoFundMe card.
KyleKulinski
KyleKulinski Who will win? Place you bets.
If only it were a joke😞....
This a a sad statement on the actual healthcare industry.
You're not nearly as funny or as clever as the TheBabylonBee
The Death Panel has decided not to lose any additional profits on this one...
Cryin
That or watching desperate pleas on Facebook or GoFundMe while pleasuring themselves furiously. Maybe it's their sick pleasure to watch others suffer and also get paid for it. Then see how high they can increase prices outside the range of a single family others need to donate.
Should be 10 cancer patients, only 3 chemo treatments. The 10 fight to the death, strongest 3 get the treatments. And then lions are released to inform the remaining 3 that their form of cancer isn't actually covered.
ChrisHicks90 😬
KyleKulinski Establishment Republicans and Democrats: OOOoooo Let me get some popcorn..!!! These battles are always GOOOD!
My goodness, The Onion is on point today!
Wherever I may rome
It gets even more painfully accurate the further you read
KyleKulinski This is basically our healthcare system these days.
KyleKulinski I wish I could retweet this a million times
This is what happens with a gravely ill person and an insurance company basically everyday. Nailed it.
Holy shit
“The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.”
👍👎👍👎👍👎👍👎👍👎👍👎
Oof
😬
R.I.P Fox News.
AndrewYang yanggang
Health Insurance Execs:
PoorBaiting
Either don't fight and pay the ultimate price or fight and spend the rest of your 'ultimate price' paying
Boom!!
It would be more accurate if they had ten patients, disconnected all their treatment, and placed bets on who would die first. Winner receives largest bonus.
Does insurance not entertain?!?
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