Looking back, the soap on my tongue was an important clue. I’d been having a panic attack in the shower and thought I might be able to get it together if I jumped out and washed my face with my Clarisonic. Only professional, together people spend over £100 on a luxury face brush. The soothing pulses would calm me, and I’d be forced to regulate my breathing because, like a mascara brush, there’s something about a Clarisonic that forces your mouth wide open.
The gig in question was my dream job. But what I didn’t account for was the fact that, as a freelance writer, I’m used to spending day after day living in my own head. It’s very cosy, but it’s full of crumbs and someone really needs to open a window. In an office, you’re forced to engage with the world. Anyone can ask you anything at any time, and you can’t craft your response, as you would on an email – you have to go live.
Psychologist Cathy Lock told me ‘When you have anxiety, it’s normal to internalise everything, and to see yourself as the problem that needs fixing. However, if something specific in your life is making you especially anxious, it’s usually a sign that it’s just not a good fit for you. It’s not that either element is wrong, you just don’t work together. And recognising that is a sign of strength. It isn’t weak at all.
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