BINGHAMTON, NY—After finishing his second can of Diet Coke of the morning, local man Derek Cowan, who reportedly drinks five of the artificially sweetened soft drinks a day, expressed his sincere hope that researchers are currently working on a cure for whatever terrible disease he’s getting right now.
“I’m just going to optimistically anticipate that by the time the chronic ailment I’m currently developing fully progresses, a team of dedicated researchers working around the clock in a lab somewhere will have found a cure,” Cowan said, noting that he’s “counting on” scientists to invent a pill, vaccine, patch, or other medical solution in the coming years to prevent people from contracting whatever horrific, life-threatening disease you eventually get from drinking 60 or more ounces of Diet...