. is a sex therapist, author and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.
“I love my husband. He’s wonderful. He’s an amazing father. We have a great time together. We enjoy a fun night out. We come home, and I want to be with him.”to be with him. So this isn’t necessarily a desire problem. What happens next?” I asked her husband to step out of the room so she would have the opportunity to discuss her history with me in private. I asked her several questions, including whether she ever had sex that was unwanted. She admitted there was a time in college when a friend had sex with her when she was blackout drunk.
What she was describing is very common for people who’ve experienced trauma or are holding on to shame about their sexuality. The feel-good chemicals that make us giddy in the honeymoon phase of a relationship mask painful emotions that are lurking below the surface. It’s usually not until six to 18 months into a relationship, when those chemicals start to come back to normal levels, that those darker feelings emerge.
This is the approach I took with Jessie. Once we identified the trifecta of negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors, I helped her come up with alternative thoughts that fit with her personal values about sexuality.