Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades

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ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.

Other common, albeit latent, secondary effects noted in the study include mild disappointment and mid-afternoon crankiness, as well as a lingering need for additional casual sex. Researchers could not conclusively establish a link between anonymous, passionate trysts in nightclub bathrooms and these results, however, as a large portion of the polling group was found to be asymptomatic.

One participant, California native Greg Pertzborn, told researchers he sometimes wonders if the 30 years he spent beneath a different gorgeous woman every night were worth the periodic flickers of gloominess he began experiencing at the age of 59."When I think back on the countless times I've had raw, almost bestial sex, indoors or outdoors, with one, sometimes two Asian women whose parents I'll never have to meet, I occasionally get a little down," Pertzborn said.

"Tragically, it's quite possible that many of these singles may never realize how miserable a lifetime of phenomenal, kinky sex can make them," said Sullivan, adding that recent evidence suggests such a healthy, rational realization could be further hindered by the experience of spontaneous oral sex behind the bushes at poolside cocktail parties.

"I am so thankful that I never acted on my natural impulses and engaged in a sweaty, toe-curling, life-affirming romp with that knockout I saw in the park last week," Kehoe said. "I may die having only caressed the naked, goose-pimpled flesh of two women on the entire planet, including my wife, but at least I know I'll never have to endure a burst of fleeting regret long after I've retired.

 

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Man I sure wish I could find that out for myself.

BoxNews11 'FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE JAIL HOUSE.'

Not for gay men

I am so old, this is not a joke to me 😂

Clearly written by a woman. For men, novelty is drug right into old age. At least biologically. Obviously society and culture often has attenuating effects on this, particularly in sexually repressed times/places.

Even the mind does not accept these misfortunes, do children participate in the fighting? Unless the perpetrator is a terrorist Israel that violates human and children's rights and excludes all agreed humanitarian treaties. Yes, it is Israeli terrorism that allows it. GazaUnderA

I just never found it particularly casual, though.

Casual sex just makes me sad.

true, then it gets very very old

So again, how is this ironic? :|

Not sure if stock photo of vest guy exactly screams gratuitous and casual sex

Explain the joke to me JokesExplainer

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