Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Stressing that the Patriots are always a meritocracy, New England coach Bill Belichick locked his players who had been exposed to Covid-19 in an empty room Thursday after tossing down a broken glass bottle and single dose of antibodies at their feet. “Now I know you all want to remain on the team, so I guess we just need to find out who has the drive and desire to be a Patriot,” said Belichick, who placed the shattered glass on the ground in front of the naked, shivering players who had been locked in the Gillette Stadium storage room all night. “This is a completely open competition. I don’t care if you are a rookie or a ten-time Pro Bowler, if you want a Covid treatment on my team you have to earn it. I’ll be back in an hour to see who my new starter is.” At press time, Belichick had placed a hacksaw next to Cam Newton after chaining him to a radiator across the room from his medicine.