They didn’t talk again for another six weeks, and it wasn’t until September of the following year – right around the time Deena stopped seeing the therapist who had been treating her for more than a decade – that Deena mentioned she was getting more shock therapy. This is how their communication was at the start. Intimate but occasional.
“Thank goodness for the tooth fairy,” Susan replied. “Really. Sometimes it is not about how the moment feels, but about seeing into the future.” By summer 2014, Deena began sending Susan more frequent and graphic messages about her suicidal thoughts. Deena told Susan the worst things, things she didn’t even tell those closest to her, the people in Cleveland, the ones she worried could show up at her door if a disclosure went too far.
It took a long time for Susan to realize how much Deena’s messages had become part of her day to day, how their well-being had become intertwined. Sometimes Susan found she wasn’t OK if Deena wasn’t. A suicide loss triggers a suicidal crisis When Williams died, Deena was dealing with multiple stressors. Five months earlier, she and her husband separated and she moved back in with her parents. In that moment, death felt as real a possibility as ever.
Sometimes Deena’s feelings changed from hour to hour. At 6 a.m., Deena said she had a good night. By 11 a.m. she’d harmed herself. She wanted to know how she was going to stay safe through the weekend, until the next appointment, until the hospitalization. She asked for a Plan A, B and C. “Is your mom home tonight? ... Can a friend come over? Did you take your anxiety meds?” she asked.“You are wonderful.
After she bought it, her first call wasn’t to Susan, but to her psychiatrist, who helped her develop a plan. She would return the gun, go to her therapy appointment and check into the hospital. Susan never thought she could save Deena’s life. And she didn’t. Deena did that. But Susan was the bridge to the next minute, the next hour, through the night. She may not have saved her, but she bought Deena enough time to save herself.
If you or a loved one needs help, help is available.
I express my intention to refrain from the defenseless white policemen who died of black youth.