Study Finds Only 1 In 3 Lasik Surgeries End In Laser Boring Through Eye, Incinerating Brain, Shooting Through Skull On Other Side

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CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side. “Our research found that the fears of people considering a Lasik procedure were generally exaggerated, with only one-third experiencing a searing beam of light that drills through their eyeball, reduces their brain to cinders, and then bursts through the back of their head,” said lead author Dr. Roger Cardenas, noting that apprehensions about the likelihood of having the contents of one’s brain instantly vaporized often overshadowed the fact that roughly 66 percent of patients who underwent Lasik enjoyed greatly improved vision. “This isn’t to say there is no risk, however, and people should weigh the benefits of never again having to wear glasses or contacts against the possibility that the laser will puncture their retina, liquify all their cerebral matter, explode through their head, and continue straight through the wall behind them.” Cardenas also clarified that Lasik surgery was different from cataract surgery, which uses suction to remove the clouded-over lens and which vacuums up both eyes and the nose nearly half the time.

CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday infound that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side.

Roger Cardenas, noting that apprehensions about the likelihood of having the contents of one’s brain instantly vaporized often overshadowed the fact that roughly 66 percent of patients who underwent Lasik enjoyed greatly improved vision.

 

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DaraHogan

Lol

It's good we don't have 3 eyes

Amazing how far medical science has come

I like them odds!

Three words that in one sentence that concern me. A. Laser B. Complete stranger C. My eyes

Don’t worry, rebel scum! My light saber is set to 20-20!

Only one in three! Whew, I thought it was one in two for second.

I watched a lasik once and this is only slightly more disturbing than the truth.

aHEMandias As a tree trimmer I have that same problem with those new laser projecting chain saws. When my aim is just a bit off, I tend to incinerate the odd customer or two. I compensate now by getting mah money up front.

And that's how a liberal is born....

The new eximer lasers are linked to an AI that has a bit of an attitude. You can actually reduce the odds of cranial penetration significantly if you finger their port while they're performing the keratoplasty.

But most patients only have two eyes, so why isn't it one in two?

however there hasn't been any problems with members of the GOP mental acuity

Lies

Only when the patient lies on their stomach. If you can’t follow instructions , it’s not the doc’s fault

Never tell me the odds.

2 outta 3 ain’t bad

people who believe what the onion said 🤡

damn i wish this were me

So totally safe then, thanks for the valuable info.

JoshMankiewicz Im just here for the 2 outta 3 ain’t bad comments

Lasix surgery and lobotomy both in one! More for your money!

Seems low hcornea

In all fairness, they do the other eye for free.

If that seems a bit high, you have to take into account the finding that 99.8% of all Lasik surgeries so far are secretly still ongoing.

At least the other two can see without glasses 🤷‍♀️ That's a 66% success!

At this point, yeah, let's do it.

Meatloaf said it best '2 out of 3 ain't bad'

carmelohdrama Sounds relatively painless. Might be a good option for sue of side.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well, as long as glasses no longer make me look bad... 🧐

Hopeful we can flatten the curve

Isn't that right Dominic__Noble?

66.6% success rate

But what are some of the side effects?

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