No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now

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ARIZONA CITY, AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world, area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon. “If you think I’m going to try ‘eating mindfully’ or ‘listening to my gut’ or anything else like that right now, you are out of your goddamn mind,” Banks said as he shoved a third handful of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his mouth, explaining how he was not about to start giving a shit about prepping healthy meals or maintaining proper serving sizes amidst a deadly global pandemic and widespread social upheaval. “I do not have anything close to the headspace needed to put together some overnight oats with fruit or whatever the fuck would actually be good for me. I wake up, I shove some food in my mouth—be it frozen fish sticks, pizza rolls, or an ice cream sandwich—and I try to get through the day. Okay? There will be no increased consciousness brought to bear on my diet. That ship has sailed.” At press time, Banks added that all the extra time he had been spending on the toilet was a sacrifice he was willing to make not to have to think about his food choices.

 

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tomsegura !!!?

My relationship with food is the same as my relationship with men: I chew them up and spit out the bones. No vegetables.

I have to admit that I didn't care to read this at all and I am guessing that your problem is complete horseshit. Take a shower and sleep. Go to work tomorrow. You will get no other advice.

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That Jay Glazer?

It's horrendous and ugly. I hate it. The point of The Onion is to show news, but what news does this show? Do you just wake up in the morning and think 'wow, I really feel like a massive stone today'? It's useless. I hate it. It just provokes deep-rooted anger within me

That's it, that seals the deal. I am no longer an Onion fan. I've been reading since 1862 but 'No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now' is a pure and utter embarrassment to news. I will now be reading the Babylon Bee instead

Fake News. Cringe. Bias. Typos. Long ago, the four lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when OGCelticsHater attacked. Only The Onion, master of all four elements, could stop him, but when the readers needed The Onion most, it vanished.

Recently I visited a restaurant in Texas to try some REAL BBQ. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “The Onion” with my ribs. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

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